It’s 2:40 in the morning… why am I still up? I can’t sleep. The desire to write is burning my fingers. I’m sitting here wondering about the next steps in my life. 2018 is right around the corner! I’m excited – full of energy but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the new friendships, new desires, and new accomplishments. This fear is not a fear of hindrance, it’s a fear of true joy and acceptance. This fear is not one to be challenged but to be embraced. Yes, it’s contradictory but its true.
How can I be afraid, but be excited about my fear?
I recently realized that I had new feelings that I needed to tackle, after my 20 -year marriage.
The feeling of being alone.
The feeling of dating and it not be him.
The feeling of explaining to people I don’t want to be with him.
The feeling of being a single mom but not a single parent because we’re co-parenting.
The feeling of desperation of a cuddle, of a hug from the man you truly desire but is untouchable.
The feeling that another assumes they know you but don’t.
The feeling that people come and go, then you’re alone again.
The feeling that one day that you will be someone else, not the person you use to be but a better version of yourself and people still will see you as the same.
The feeling of how do you break out of the mold of forever into the mold of self-exploration and gratitude.
The feeling of friendships that were close but now are far.
Well, these are feelings that can create fear within oneself but they are good feelings to move forward. Fear is not an option but it is.
Fear is a funny word. We use the word FEAR so often in a negative connotation, but fear is not negative. Fear is just our inner protection system helping us to associate what is the best thing for us. We can use the word fear as a negative or a positive.
It is… what it is…FEAR
SO I’m still afraid but I’m prepared to conquer most of my fears in 2018.
As a child, I had no fear… I leap into situations head first, but as time went on and I lived with another, fear was his name. I was constantly helping this person to conquer his fears that I became fearful myself.
The fear of open water, fear of skiing, fear of being alone, fear of acceptance, and the fear of loss. But all of these fears were given to me within the 20 years because I felt unprotected.
Today… I am protecting myself and not willing to take on the fears of another.
I am free to be ME!
I love it!
However, I’m a lover of love so I willing to be accepting of another but not of their fear of me!
Look into my eyes… my soul is open to swim into the sea of love again… The love of self, the love of another, the love of life, the love adventure, and the love of freedom.
By the way, freedom doesn’t mean being single it means the acceptance of self and the reality of which we live.
Living Life 4 Real!
Loving the skin your in!
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photocredit: Rachael http://www.ragartistry.com
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