One Night

I thought it was a Dream…

One Night, the star was shining, the moon was glowing, it was a full moon. People say when there is a full moon, God is talking to you or showing you your path, but it’s up to you to be awakened to follow it. Well, one night the moon shined directly onto my face and woke me up from a deep sleep. This night was like no other night, as soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was different, and my world would change forever.  It was an unspoken realization.

I cried…

I became weak…

I became sick…

I cried….

My path was written, now it was up to me to listen, follow my intuition which I knew was painful and unpleasant.

moon sleep children

God came to me and spoke to me. It was time for me to make a serious change in my world. I knew exactly what it was on that day at that time but I still fought it for some reason.

You may be asking me what was my realization?

Well, it was to LIVE LIFE 4 REAL…

What did this mean?

Stop lying to myself and others about Who I am? What was my belief? Didn’t I desire to have a Beautiful Life on this earth? I want to love, respect this person and I want to be loved and respected.

I laid in my bed, a spirit came over me and told me that I was not in love and I was not given love.

Laying in the dark, I felt stuck and trapped in a relationship that I no longer wanted to be in.

I started to cry knowing that I was unhappy in my life. I felt stifled and restricted. I was not free to be myself. I was afraid of being alone and not having enough power to be strong for myself and my kids. I laid there with no capability to release my tension. I just cried, paralyzed in my thoughts.

Then he woke up and said “it” the thing that I feared, “Do you want a Divorce?”

He knew that we were unhappy, that this was something that he didn’t want as well.

Do you want a Divorce? 

These words killed my soul… It pierced me like a knife… I was stabbed but no blood was coming out. I felt soaked in my invisible blood. I was laying there speechless. Tears rolling down my eyes.

Yes..

Maybe..

I’m thinking about it…

We laid in silence, this was a realization for the both of us!

We questioned our relationship in silence… 20 years is it OVER?

I became sick to my stomach…

He cried the ugly cry… He couldn’t work… He couldn’t breathe… He couldn’t think…

All he wanted to do, was prevent the inevitable from happening.

CHANGE…

CHANGE…

He started controlling the outcome but all it did was push me away. I wanted to run as fast as possible. To get out. To be set free. I felt enslaved in the relationship, in this love affair, I wanted OUT.

The Control had to stop!

Change needed to happen. Change wanted to happen.. It was not us anymore, CHANGE took priority in this relationship. We both needed CHANGE because this was not healthy for both of us. What we needed was a movement a force to make us better to build us so we can see each other truly naked… Vulnerable and ready to make a CHANGE!

Then we were on an emotional roller coaster for weeks…

Fear, Doubt, Guilt, Anger, Passion, Love, Anxiety…

It all came out!

We both started to do things we have never done before…

Seek Spiritual Advice, Marriage Counseling, Acupuncture, Fitness Trainer, Meditation Specialist, Herbalist, Family, Friends, Colleagues….

It was out in the OPEN… We needed a CHANGE…

What would that change be?

US…

We needed to find ourselves outside of the relationship so we went to SELF REALIZATION BOOT CAMP… and had a “Healing Separation”

What is a Healing Separation? A separation where both parties find themselves outside of the relationship and each other to heal past pain, hurt and rediscover oneself within + out of the relationship in love.

So where are we now????

Let's Talk For Real 2In Healing, Discovery and Acknowledgment.

It’s Not Over…

It’s Just the Beginning…

That Night made us WAKE THE FUCK UP and it was needed to bring us where we are today… Building trust, healing our souls, finding ourselves outside of the relationship and within the relationship.

So the story is not over….

We will see….

My Realization: The hardest part in all of this is admitting to myself that comfort and security weren’t good enough. Passion, giving and receiving love and to be open about my dreams and desire was more of a priority in my life.  I didn’t want to give up myself anymore, sacrifice my emotions and live in a “retired relationship”.

So I ask whoever is reading this, to not give up your self-worth, your role, sometimes we have to break out of our silence and wake the fuck up! Make a change to LIVE LIFE 4 REAL… Whatever that means to you but you have one life and one life only… MAKE IT WORK…

Don’t accept being Perfect for the Outside World and Imperfect Inside….

 

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