Late last night I met a woman complaining to her friend about wanting to leave her husband after 30 yrs of marriage. So, of course I wanted her to share her story with me.
I decided to stop writing my chapter of my book and interrupt their conversation. I was curious about her story. So I decided to ask her a few thought provoking questions with her permission of course.
I found out she was scared to be that woman who was angry and sad for the rest of her life. When she looked at her future she was sad, nervous and angry. She is 47 years old with a teenage son, two grown daughters, she is married to man that she doesn’t love and claims that he doesn’t love her.
She told her friend that she wanted to leave her husband of 30 yrs after her son graduates from High School which is in 3 years. She was done! Fed up of being in her misery.
I said to her “While you wait for your son to graduate from HS, what is currently happening to your kids and yourself? Is this situation healthy?”
She said, “I want them to see their parents together.” and “No it’s not healthy for me but it’s good for them to see us together.” “Plus, I told my daughters to get married much later on in life so that they don’t have this problem of being in a dead end relationship.”
Then I said, “But wait, you’re asking for one thing, which is your kids seeing their parents in a committed relationship but planting a seed of distrust in a committed relationship by telling your daughters that marriage is not good when you’re young and to hold off until you’re older.” “This message that you’re sending to your girls is negative and if they fall in love, they would push love aside because of the fear of being in an unhappy relationship.”
She then said, “Oh my God, I don’t want them to be unhappy, I want them to be happy.” “I don’t want them to fear love, just take their time.”
As she teared up.. I asked her about her living conditions and what her son was experiencing at home with the message of staying in a long term committed relationship.
She said, “Well, I’m sleeping on the couch and I have been for 5 years. My son knows that I’m in this relationship because of him and his sisters.”
I then said, “What does sleeping on the couch mean to you?” and “What is this symbol or silent message to your son?”
She said, “Nothing, I’m ok, I’m sleeping with my dogs on the couch and they love me.” “My son knows that I want to hurt his father!” “I can’t stand him” “I can’t sleep next to a man that I hate and who hates me!” “My son knows this!”
I said, “Do you know what you’re saying.. Do you hear yourself?”
She was like “What do you mean?
Her friend said, “Oh My God!” “You’re punishing yourself!”
I said, “Can I be real with you?”
She said, “Yes”
I said, “You have placed yourself in the dog house. You’re punishing yourself and your kids are seeing this on a daily basis.” “Now, what is the message your son is getting from your relationship?” “You said that your girls are not living with you, so do you have other available rooms or beds in your house?”
She then started to cry and the tears just kept flowing… she realized that she was truly punishing herself and that she had a choice.. She has 3 other bedrooms that she could choose from to sleep in and she chose to sleep on the couch with the dogs. She also realized that this was a horrible message that she was giving her son who will one day be a man with a girlfriend or even a wife.
Her friend asked her, “Would you want your son or daughters to sleep on the couch if they had a disagreement with their partner?” Or “Would you want your son to put his wife on the couch after an arguement because that’s where a woman should be?”
She was like, “I can’t believe I’m doing this!” “I’m punishing myself for something that I’m unaware of, I have no idea why I’m punishing myself!”
I said to her, “The first step is understanding your why!” The second step is talking to your kids about your why!” “The last step is talking to husband about your why and seeking counseling to save the marriage or dissolve it.”
She thanked me and she knew that she had a lot of work to do on herself, her family and her marriage. She knew that she needed to take baby steps but she now has a plan. The plan was not to be on the couch any more and not to punish herself or her kids for an unhappy relationship.
A NOTE TO YOU THE READER
If you’re in a relationship that is dark, and you feel lonely. You’re angry, tired and frustrated, take the first step and ask yourself WHY? Why am I truly here? What can I do to find happiness? Who am I hurting and what is the worst that can happen? Understand the worst is the death of the relationship and the best case scenario is the freedom of being happy once again with or without this person.
Negative Thought bring about Negative Action. What happens when we eat bad food, we throw it up, we try to get rid of it, we get it out of our system fast! We don’t keep it in and allow it to affect our bodies. So why do we allow ourselves to stay in a relationship that is killing us and making us sick?
What is your WHY? What is your parents WHY?
Within the WHY find help or counseling to move forward whether to stay or to leave but to be in a relationship where you are sad and angry is not cool!
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