Here are some steps to finding oneself before starting a new relationship:
Before we tackle the steps, let’s define various types of people who may of lost themselves in previous relationships.
The Valet Driver
- I am the person, that allows people to take advantage of my kindness.
- I put my opinions in the back seat.
- People direct me where to go in the relationship.
- I feel like I have no voice or power in my relationships.
- I am driving with no vision of the road ahead unless someone directs me and this makes me angry.
The Monogamous Dater
- I have dated people forever with no vision of a committed relationship.
- I have many partners because I am unsure what I really want.
- I date the people who want to date me, however, I really don’t see any future in the relationships.
- If someone likes me, I am happy, I never question if I really like them.
- When the person I date suggest something to do, I agree because I am too worried about pleasing not acknowledging what I really want in someone.
The Baggage Handler
- I am always dating people with problems and taking on their emotional baggage as my own, I am unsure what to do about it.
- I can’t forget, I will not forget and will not forgive.
- I keep things to myself and I choose not to express myself to my partners and I know this is not healthy.
- I worry about what other people think about me, so I never show my true-self. Who am I anyway?
The Single Parent
- I am raising my children and my world revolves around them but now they are older and have their own family. Who am I now?
- I ready for a partner to enter in my life; however, it is difficult for me to know what I want today especially since I still have small kids.
- Life is rewarding because of my kids, but I feel emotionally and physically empty.
- I am a MOM! I am a DAD! I have responsibilities! This is what I tell myself to keep going! Sometimes, I feel really lonely without a partner and no outlet.
- I went on several dates after morning my spouse. While on the date, I am continuously talking about my spouse. I can’t seem to change the subject.
- I do not know what do on my spare time.
- I have no outlets.
- My spouse was my world now what?
- I try to date but when I do I tend to be needy or I try to follow that person’s interest not my own.
- I have been abused verbally and physically for many years now I am lost!
- I am nervous about finding myself, what if I don’t like me?
- What does finding myself even mean?
- I have been silenced for so long that I do not know share myself or opinion.
- I am tired of being a victim, how do I regain my confidence?
The Family Caretaker
- My family comes first! I take care of my parents and immediate family, but who actually takes care of me?
- I would like a partner, but I have no idea how to do this. Maybe, I need to know what I really want.
- How can I break away from being the go to person and now being the person that is empowering my life?
- I would like to find more family / life balance.
- My family is my identity, but now that identity is stifling me. I will like to balance this and formulate my own sub-identity.
- I refer to myself as “Divorced” rather than single. I have been divorced for so long, I can’t shake the title.
- I have no idea what the term “Single” means.
- My marriage was so wonderful, how did I get divorce. Why did my spouse leave me?
- Who am I now after my divorce?
- What does Divorcee actually mean?
You may fall into any of these or more than one of theses categories. Just know that you are not alone. Many people have been or is falling under one of these categories. The question is how do I find myself now?! I want to remove my assumed group and have a new one. Who am I now? & How do I find myself after identifying with this category for so long?
Here are some steps that can be used with each group. You can read my earlier blog from last week to help you with finding yourself (smile).
First Identify the emotion that you feel when you say, I AM NOT A____________ ANYMORE!!!!!
- Are you sad, angry, scared, indifferent, happy, excited, or motivated to take on a new role or title?
- If you are motivated you know that you are ready to jump in and take that leap of faith to work on your awareness of self.
- If you are feeling sad, angry, or scared then you may want to take it a bit slower and first understand your emotions.
- You can first start off by writing a Journal to understand how you feel and how to name those feelings.
- Talk to someone (coach, therapist, religious authority or family friend). They can help you to move past the feeling of sadness, anger anxiety towards moving forward in finding self discovery.
Questions to ask yourself, when finding oneself after being in a certain role for years.
- What do you hope to be?
- How did you envision yourself?
- How would you describe the best you?
- How do you show up best?
- What makes you happy? If you don’t know, try different things to see what fits best. It is like trying on a new pair of shoes.
- What makes you feel like you need to be loved or liked by everyone?
- How do you know that you are being loved or loved?
When you find the new you then, look at stepping outside of the box.
- Find hobbies that fit your personality like volunteering at your community center or church, walking in the mall, singing, karaoke, eating, bowling, tennis, sports of any kind, going to show, hiking, knitting, improv theater, sewing and dancing.
- Find people to do things with http://www.meetup.com.
- Take a hard look at yourself and tell yourself positive things!!! If you don’t know of any… Make it UP! It will eventually fit!!!
- Look at your daily life and start adding one thing that makes you happy even if it is just for a moment. BE SELFISH.. THERE SHOULD BE NO GUILT IN BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF.
- Start looking at people with a different lens, who can I see myself with and how does that person make me feel. What are their core values and does that align with my core values. DOES HE/SHE MAKE ME FEEL SWIRLY INSIDE!
- Give yourself a new title that fits with the new you. WHAT ABOUT YOUR IDOL’S NAME OR ROCK STAR OR SECRET TWIN BROTHER OR SISTER’S NAME…. LIKE SASHA FIERCE!
- Start surrounding yourself with positive influences…. You need cheerleaders to support you on your new adventure! KICK ALL THE HATERS TO THE ROAD! SET BOUNDARIES TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR SEARCH FOR THE NEW ME GOAL!
- Build a solid foundation by reading self-help books, going to workshops to better yourself. I AM AVAILABLE (smile)
- Take the first step towards the new you by BEING AWARE of the things that you don’t like and replacing it with the things that you do like. OWN YOUR SHIT!
- Remove negative influences from your life step by step and if you can’t truly remove them then just start distancing yourself from those people, and things that bring you down. WORK ON THIS until you are able to get independent SELF LOVE thoughts. Work on building up your confidence.
“YOU ARE THE DRIVER OF YOUR SHIP! START DRIVING IT LIKE IT WILL SINK! KEEP IT A FLOAT AND STARE IT INTO THE DIRECTION THAT YOU WANT IT TO GO AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU WANT IT TO GO. JUST LET IT RIDE UNTIL YOU GET TO A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN CALL HOME! THEN DROP THE ANCHOR AND ENJOY!” TIMNA ANGST